Changes
by gomenasai-for-everything
Summary: After Roxas passes out in Castle Oblivion, Axel realizes that things are changing and he's not certain how to make it stop, or how to keep Roxas by his side when Riku is trying to drag him back into Sora. All of that is added to by his struggle to understand the love he's feeling for Roxas that he isn't supposed to be able to feel.


"Riku!" I swear my heart would've stopped, if I'd had one. Riku. He screamed for Riku. Of course he did. After all, it had always been Riku with Sora, hadn't it? They were best friends, right? I'd just hoped that maybe he wouldn't remember, I guess, that his time with the Organization, with me, would keep on being the only thing he knew. Funny I'd never noticed how selfish that really sounded before, but then I'd never cared all that much about being selfish, anyone who'd known me Before would've said so. That didn't stop me from feeling sick when Roxas screamed that name, thrashing awake with sweat beading on his skin. Riku, always Riku, but I wasn't Riku.

I wanted to ask him what he'd been dreaming about. I wanted to ask him about the "pictures" he'd seen in his head while we were in Castle Oblivion. Mostly I just wanted to beg him not to remember because more than anything, I didn't want him to leave me, and I knew he'd want to if he knew about his Somebody. Instead, I just pretended like I hadn't heard and asked if he was okay, even though I still think I was frowning a little too much.

"What happened to me?" He looked worried, head tilted down, and I wanted to just smile, and smile, and smile, and say nothing, it's okay, you just got a little dizzy, don't worry and please, please don't think about it ever again. I wished that I could, but he made me feel… he gave me a reason to pretend. I remembered guilt when I lied to him, when I hid things from him, enough that I even stopped listening to Saix, Saix who should've been my best friend, Saix who'd changed, and… my stomach was tight and roiling even though I hadn't eaten that day. I thought I was going to be sick.

"You collapsed right inside the castle doors. Don't you remember?" Nothing else. Don't ask anything else. That's all that happened, Roxas, please, you collapsed in the door. Didn't say anything. Didn't see anything. It was hard to lie to him—I knew it was obvious. Anyone but Roxas would've noticed, but Roxas trusted me. In a way that only made me feel worse.

"I remember going in, that's it." He was still looking down, still frowning, but I was still so relieved that it was hard not to sigh. He was still mine, not Riku's, still fully Roxas instead of partly Sora, and that was all I wanted. I could've been fine without a heart forever as long as Roxas was spending that forever beside me. He pulled himself to his feet, slow and wobbly, and I smiled, soft, leaning forward a little so I could make sure he didn't fall over again.

"Hey, you should take a breather." He shook his head, firm and sure, and nearly stumbled again.

"I'm fine. We need to go back to C.O.," he mumbled, and I could've screamed. Normally I didn't mind his stubbornness, really, but then I was… I was scared, or thought I was, at least, and maybe a little angry too at how close he'd come. If he went back, he might've come closer, and I couldn't let that happen.

"Hah, I don't think so." He was going to argue, I knew that, saw it on his face, and I was getting ready to argue back when I heard someone a little farther up the side street shift and whipped around. "Who's there?" Slowly, slowly, two figures in black stepped from behind the wall and I recognized them both even though only one had ever been part of our number.

"Xion?" Roxas was breathless and quiet and sad and when it was Riku of course it was Kairi-Namine-Xion, even though she was killing him and no one but me really seemed to care because the Organization only needed one even if I wanted both. Saix could call it make-believe all he wanted but it had started to feel more real than the real one. I wasn't the one who changed and I hadn't seen him smile in years. He'd gotten so caught up in getting his heart back that he'd forgotten why he wanted the damned thing and Roxas was so, so vibrant and alive and perfect and I couldn't stand to lose him. I wondered if Riku would dodge be able to dodge my fire if I threw a spell right then without warning. Then I could bring Xion back and make Roxas smile and figure out some way to get her to stop taking too much from him so everything could be like it used to be again and forever.

Xion didn't cooperate, though, she never did. She turned on her heel a bare second after Roxas said her name and disappeared through a dark corridor. Roxas ran before I could stop him and Riku, Riku who I knew would do anything to get Sora back, even take someone else's best friends, stepped in front of corridor until it closed. Like Sora was so much more important than Roxas just because he was the Somebody. At least Roxas didn't seem to like him much, from the way he growled, but it was only because he didn't remember and I swear I could've cried.

"Get out of the way!" Still Roxas. I just had to remember that. He was still Roxas, even when he was talking to Riku. He was still my Roxas, and I could keep him that way, especially if Riku stayed silent like he was, kept running away, kept focusing on Xion instead of Roxas. If only Roxas didn't keep running after him and leaving me behind. I think the worst part, though, was that even if he didn't realize it, Roxas didn't fight as hard as he could've, and he begged Riku to wait instead of just swinging his keyblade into his head without a word like he would've for anyone else he called a stranger. No matter what our mission was, I was still glad when he disappeared.

"I thought the imposter was sighed in Castle Oblivion! What's he doing here?" Had he known what would happen to Roxas there, known I'd bring him to Twilight Town? Maybe Xion had told him. Maybe he'd convinced her to go back to Sora and he wanted her to convince Roxas too. Maybe that had been the plan from the first moment she'd failed her first attempt to eliminate him. All Roxas could say was Xion's name, quiet and desperate, like she'd somehow not obviously been with him willingly, like Riku and the memory of him didn't call to every part of Sora no matter how badly I wanted to stop it, and I swore I _would_ stop it with Roxas even if I'd failed with Xion.

"Ain't no way that was Xion!" I tried, frowning a little too hard, trying to joke, but I knew as soon as I said it that it was a bad thing to joke about then, maybe ever, especially if I never got her back for him.

"The other one was. The one who escaped before." His voice was as flat as it had been that first week, when he was not much more than a zombie and I couldn't have known what he'd be to me. I didn't like it, him sounding so dead when he was usually so, so good at making himself sound like he had emotions. "But… I don't get it. Why would she run from me?" There it was, the pain, stark and vibrant, and it made my own chest ache, however empty it was.

"Who knows? I'm sure she has her reasons." Probably bad ones, reasons I wouldn't like, but reasons, and just then I wanted nothing more than to calm Roxas down and hopefully distract him. I forced a smile. "Come on. Let's go get some ice cream, yeah?" He tried to make himself smile too, but I think he did even worse than I did.

"I thought that was just supposed to be for a mission well done. Icing on the cake, right?" I laughed, halfway between real and fake.

"It's for the ones that don't go too great too, as a pick-me-up. Nothing makes me feel better than ice cream." His smile turned a little more real and I could've grabbed him in my arms then and never let him go. We didn't talk much on the way up to the Clock Tower, but then I don't think we needed to.

The sunset was beautiful that day, vibrant, mostly red and yellow with the faintest traces of orange fading in between. We took comfort in each other, me and Roxas, watching the sunset and eating our ice cream. I could tell he still had what had happened on his mind, though, and in a way I was glad that he told me anyway since at least it meant that he still trusted me, still considered me his best friend even if it was Xion and Riku we were talking about.

"Why would she do that?" I hated hearing him sound so hurt and I hated that if anyone knew I hated it, they'd say it wasn't possible. My memories had never been this strong before, though.

"At least we know she's safe. She'll come home when she's ready." I had to reassure him even if I couldn't do anything else. Mostly I just wanted him to give me another smile, to show me that he was okay. He didn't.

"But won't they turn her into a Dusk?" I wished I'd never mentioned that they even _could_ do that, although for Xion, who was different, who was not entirely a Nobody like the rest of us, maybe they wouldn't. I didn't totally believe that, but I still told him that there was a chance that they wouldn't because I couldn't possibly tell him anything else. He still looked frustrated, but at least he didn't seem like he was going to argue. "Who was that guy she was with? Why is she cooperating with him?"

"I don't know, Roxas, but we'll… I promise we'll figure it out." Another lie I hurt from my chest to my stomach, still felt sick and a little dizzy, and I reached out to throw an arm over his shoulder. He smiled, then, real and wide and perfect, and I realized suddenly that I might've loved him a little. That didn't make me feel any better.


End file.
